Top Ten Things: Not to Ask an Erotica Author

[Originally Posted on Sisters in Smut]

Imagine you’re an erotic romance or erotica author. You’ve written stories that contain steamy smut and debauchery across the board. You’re sitting at a table with a stack of books waiting for you to sign for the fans lined up at the door of the bookstore.

Or maybe you’re out to lunch with friends. They know you write, but not what you write until they badger you enough that you tell them.

Perhaps you’re being interviewed either in person or over video chat or even through email. Maybe you’ve just tweeted out salacious lines from your latest WIP {work in progress}.

It’s inevitable that someone is going to ask a variation of these questions. So here I am – telling you not to ask them because, if you’re uncomfortable pretending with the above scenarios, think of how the people you’re asking feel.

Want a dick pic?

Please do not ask to send photos of your junk to ‘inspire us’ to write. If we want to see your cock we’ll ask and you also have the right to say no. Besides, for all we know, you’re pulling it off the internet anyway. PS. There are lots and lots of photos of cocks on the internet, so if we absolutely need to see something, we’ll probably go there first.

Want to have sex?

Oh, yes please! Uh, okay, not really. Asking an erotica or romance author to have sex with you to also help inspire us to continue writing hot stories is crossing a line. Even if we’ve slept with you previously. Especially if you’re in a relationship/married/etc. Trust me, the muse gifts us with enough hot smutty scenes in our pretty little heads to power NYC or LA. Maybe both. Probably more. Erotica authors aren’t looking for people to sleep with… uh, unless they are. This is hard (everyone drink) and it’s not going to get easier as we move down the list.

So is this your real sex life? Because, wow!

It most likely isn’t – unless the author is writing from a real-life perspective like a memoir and even then there is the possibility of embellishment because memories can prove to be false. There may be a smidge of realism in the smut we write when it’s fiction. Usually, we’re taking our emotions into account to give it a better read for our audience. Also, think about it. How many erotica authors or romance authors write about werewolves and vampires and other things that don’t exist (in our known universe)? Yeah. Exactly.

Can you put me in one of your stories?

Again, unless the writing is from a person who is writing a memoir, we will never ever use you in a story. Hell, I even do my damnedest to avoid names of people I know, especially exes. It’s quite difficult and sometimes I give up when a name truly fits a character. This is especially awkward when someone you don’t know, have never met, and have never before spoken to asks. Seriously, just nix this question from your brain for all writers.

Do you write from imagination or real life?

Well, this goes back to the other questions about if the sex is real or asking to be in our stories. 99% of erotica authors are writing from their imagination, porn they found, or they read a really terrible story and decided to fix it by writing their own version (plagiarism-free, of course). Even big-name authors have been asked this question and people still don’t believe them when they tell them the truth, whether it be too little, too much, or just the right amount with some sass.

Do you mean like 50 Shades of Grey?

We know. Everyone is on one side of the fence or the other when it comes to the trilogy that busted down the doors leading to the kinky sex life. They either love it, or they hate it, or they’re camped on the fence… they are happy it exists but wish it had been done better. That’s what we’re here for. We want to give you something better – if we write BDSM. Not all of us do. Some of us don’t even stick our toe in that pool while others are actively diving into the deep end without researching. {Please research before writing BDSM.} Anyway, don’t ask this question. It’s putting erotica authors into a box with a label where they might not even belong.

Do not ask if their partner is okay with their cheating ways.

I still can’t figure out where this question comes from. How is writing erotica or romance cheating? Sure, there’s lots of debauchery happening in the sexy portion of the stories, but uhh… it’s fiction. Please don’t assume that someone is fucking around on their beloved just because they write smut. Sure, there are authors out there who might go out and have the sex they’re writing about but nope, most aren’t, so don’t ask this stupid question.

So, you’re a really horny girl, hey?

One of my #SistersInSmut was asked this not too long ago and I’d like to slap the person that asked her because AS IF. Sure, we probably do get turned on writing erotica – hello, that’s the goal of writing erotic scenes – to get turned on. If we aren’t turned on by our work then why would anyone bother to read it? But uh, no. We’re actually not horny all the time… unless we are… it’s different for everyone, just like everything else. Some are, some aren’t. Some have to stop in the middle to take care of their needs. It happens, but no, we don’t need you to satiate us. And don’t call us ‘girl’. We’re grown women. You can call us women or ladies. Be respectful for fuck’s sake.

All those really dominating characters… is it because you want some kind of revenge against men?

Maybe. What’s it to you? Do you feel called out by the story? Does reading an erotic story about a woman dominating a man make you feel weak and humiliated? Okay, true answer – no. Many of us love men and there are men in this world that love being dominated by a woman. We enjoy giving these men what they want – female domination stories that get them hot and horny. And we enjoy giving women who want to feel dominant a story that gives them the power to experience it without having to go out and find a man willing to submit. (They do exist, but how often do you run across one?)

What will your parents say?

Hm, well, unfortunately, mine are not around. If I recall correctly, once upon a time my sister may have revealed to our mother that I was trying my hand at writing smut… but that’s neither here nor there since I’m not going to ask. However, I do have friends that still have parents who know they write erotica. I actually read one of Dr. J.’s stories to her father. Sure, it was a little weird (in a good way) and I felt like I was going to screw it up and not read it all that well, but you know what? He loved it and he loves me for doing it and I’m glad I did it. Her parents are thrilled for her and that makes me happy.

Final Thoughts

If you are writing erotica and you’re doing it completely in secret, that’s okay. Don’t feel ashamed. And if someone finds out and spreads your dirty little secret, don’t let them make you feel ashamed either. In fact, they should be ashamed for telling anyone anything about you, true or not. Stand tall, be proud of who you are and what you write. If someone starts pummeling you with questions that you can’t or don’t want to answer, smile and shake your head. Start asking them personal questions about themselves. There’s always a way to turn it around on them. Then ask how it makes them feel and remind them that you’re human, too.

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Music Shout Out: All American Rejects: Dirty Little Secret