Erotic Journal Challenge: Sexually Free

Have you joined the Erotic Journal Challenge? Today’s prompt is about sexual freedom. Reminder that this is my website and my blog and how I’ve had to put things in perspective to move forward.

Prompt: When have you felt the most free, sexually? Explore that.

Growing up in a family that didn’t talk about anything important, especially sex hurt. A lot. I know I’m not alone.

I didn’t have a good conversational relationship with my mom growing up. There were just things you didn’t talk about ever.

Sex education is still abysmal in most of the world. The people and institutions trying to fight for better education in regards to science of anatomy and sexual wellness are constantly shut down.

Reading

And it’s not like romance books teach sex either. As soon as I had access to a library, I read everything I could get my hands on. My mom read V. C. Andrews, and of course, I read them, too.

Flowers in the Attic is memorable as fuck. My Sweet Audrina is another one that sticks in my head. Heaven is another one that messed with me as well.

And then there were the bodice rippers as they’re not so lovingly nicknamed. I think the best of those books to me will always be Skye O’Malley by Bertrice Small.

Skye is fierce and beautiful and loves with all that she is. There is abuse and so much more that happens in the book that Skye experiences, but who she starts out as and who she becomes during the journey of her life is something to make you think and wonder.

Reading that book made me realize that I could love more than one person during my life. It didn’t have to be a battle every day in a relationship. And that maybe, just maybe, true love did exist in the world and didn’t have to be forever until the end of time.

Writing

Eventually, I started dabbling in writing. Some of the stories had steamy scenes. Friends who read them enjoyed them and asked for more, so I wrote more. I got bolder, and I got smuttier. Then, I got kinkier.

Writing the kinkier stories fueled me to do research, which then made me want to try new things. It’s difficult when your partner treats you like their mom, maid, and chef instead of a partner. What’s the point of having a conversation in regards to trying something spicy in the bedroom?

Being able to explore these various kinks through writing helped me become a bit bolder. I talked about what I wrote and how there were some things I’d like to try.

That led me to meeting people who are like-minded and were able to give me better ways of searching for information.

The more I researched the better I felt exploring my sexual self. And the more I explored, the more sexually free I felt.

Unfortunately, I still had terrible taste in partners. Instead of putting myself through the pain and disappointment over and over, I gave up dating.

Dating Myself

Instead of focusing on someone else’s happiness, I was able to focus on myself and my daughter. Life wasn’t magically easier because I gave up looking for a partner. I still had a friend with benefits occasionally. That helped mitigate any immediate coupling tick-tocking in my brain.

Could I have had a relationship with one of my beneficiaries? Maybe. But honestly, I knew I wasn’t ready and told myself no. I was just getting back to being my own person. Fear of losing myself again kept me from pursuing it. Plus, they wanted different things than I did, so it wouldn’t have worked out and would’ve ended in hurt.

After awhile, being single, without beneficial friends, became my normal. I did my own thing. Took care of King Floof, celebrated my daughter’s wins or came running if she needed me.

The longer I stayed single, the more I learned about myself. I asked bolder questions. I made friends I wouldn’t have were I trapped in a relationship. Because that’s how I became to think of them in my life. A trap I had fallen into and had no way out. Until I escaped.

It was rare to meet a couple who truly enjoyed their partnership, who worked together and strived to make their relationship work.

Current Days

Now, life is better. I’ve never felt more capable despite my writing life being screwed so badly the past couple of years. I still researched. I shared what I learned. I pointed people to the places I had found insight and answers.

I’m doing new things and I’ve started dating again. I’m upfront about my needs and ask questions to learn about the guy I’m seeing. Getting ghosted sucks but it happens.

When I told my daughter about the last guy who stopped texting, she told me to just say he died. So, that’s what I’m going with now. Oh, that guy? I guess he died, I haven’t heard from him for a couple of weeks. Oh well.

I’m picky about matching someone on an app. You have to give me something that makes me swipe right.

I’ve also decided not to add their photo to their contact information in my phone. They don’t get a personalized ring tone. Or allowed through my do not disturb. I decided this after one person ended things via text a week after I added his photo and the other stopped texting after I added his photo.

The other thing I decided was to stop telling them what I write and who I am in this world. At least right away. Apparently, writing steamy hot sex-filled stories that are complete fiction might be too much to handle.

It’s difficult enough reminding people that just because I wrote a story in first person pov doesn’t mean I also experienced the activities within. So, for the time being, it’ll keep.

Sexually Free

To answer the question… when did I really feel sexually free? Never more than I do now. Where I can ask for the things I want and have an honest conversation with someone about those things. Showing someone how to touch and where is much easier now than it was before. Asking where and how they want to be touched and having laughter and conversation is the best version of being sexually free for me.

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