A Penny for your Thoughts: Shame on you for Shaming

Let’s talk about Shaming

Someone I adore recently sent a SnapChat photo of the cover of Best Women’s Erotica of the Year Volume 3 to her story. I lent her my copy when she expressed interest after reading Chemical [se]X 2: Just One More and her relative swiped Big Book of Submission Volume 2 I’d lent her previously. And then, someone tried to shame her.

For educational purposes, the Stories feature on SnapChat is like the Stories feature on Instagram (obvi because they stole it) but only your friends see them.

I squeed a little when I saw the snap on her Stories because I love it when people read erotica. Especially when I’m the one behind the temptation of reading it. AND because it’s my personal signed copy, so yeah I’m happy.

And then a [shameful] reply came…

I don’t know the direct response and neither does she any longer. Women are great at blocking out unpleasant experiences. It was something like ‘oh is this what you’ll be doing for work now?’. It was from a guy. I know, not surprising at all. I don’t know who the guy is, I just know it’s someone she knows. She knows him well enough to consider the remark insulting.

So she deleted the snap. And then deleted him as a friend.

I fully support the deletion as a friend, especially if there was more conversation involved that she didn’t share that made her feel bad about sharing a smutty book. But no one should ever shame someone for sharing things they are interested in.

If it had been me, I’d probably have said “This is my account, if you dislike what you see, then please unfriend me.” because it’s that simple. It’s my place to share my photos, stories, and thoughts. Just like Twitter is my place for sharing random things and book quotes and having conversations with others, SnapChat is that for her.

Not everyone can do that, or don’t have the patience to do that. And, if you know me at all, you know I’m happy to use the mute and block buttons vigorously.

But let’s dig a little deeper…

Why did this man feel the need to comment at all? If the book wasn’t something that appealed to him, why didn’t he just ignore it? That’s what I would’ve done. I mean, come on, let’s face it — we don’t like every single thing about people we like. Even the people we love will have some quirk or interest that doesn’t appeal to us one iota.

And we still accept them as they are and love them, too.

I have friends who are religious and share all kinds of posts related to their beliefs. My one friend even writes sermons. I help by reading them and offering edits and comments and even questions when something doesn’t appear clear to me because I’m not religious. I have no interest in studying religion. I’m more spiritual than anything, but most people would consider me a heathen. And yet, we get along just fine. We have our agreements and disagreements among many things but we also respect each other’s choices.

Judgy McJudgy

We live in a judgemental society and I wish it would stop. I do my best not to judge people but I’m not perfect. I do my best to keep my thoughts to myself. I may ask more questions if it’s someone I like. But I still have judgemental thoughts.

99.9% of the time my judgemental ideals come from personal experiences of my own. I have major personal opinions regarding drugs and alcohol and raising kids. Unless someone asks my opinion or what I’ve done in certain situations, I try to keep quiet. My judgements aren’t anyone’s business but my own. If I am judging someone, then it means I need to look at myself and see why. And then I need to remind myself that I don’t have all the details of the situation so I need to switch from judgement to compassion.

Stop the Shame

If you overhear someone talk about how they got wasted, you can judge all you want. Just remember that unless they ask your thoughts, you need to keep that opinion to yourself.

And people complain I’m quiet all the time. I’m doing them a favor! Keeping my mouth shut means that my vicious mindset is under lock and key. I’ve written about shame in the past, you can find those posts here and here.

Has anyone shamed you recently? How did you respond? What reaction did your response invoke (if any)?

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We’re all made of chemicals. So here’s Chemicals by Halestorm