A Penny for your Thoughts: I’m Not Single*

I’ve decided to no longer identify myself as “single” when it comes to my relationship status. Read on to find out more!

Again, I’ve been subjected to the indignity of being single twice in two weeks. Usually I have a few months between these ridiculous accusations that because I’m not partnered up, I must be unhappy with my existence. How on earth do I function not having someone to snuggle up with, have conversations with, fight over what to watch, where to eat, what to spend (or not spend) money on with? How am I able to get out of bed each day knowing I’ll have the entire expanse to myself again that night (and only have to strugglesnuggle for the covers with the cat – if he deems me worthy of his presence)? 

Let me tell you, it’s a rough life.  

I feel that being single is considered some kind of curable disease by many coupled peoples. I just need to get out there and find somebody (ANYBODY) to love me. 

I’m not the only person in this world that is single and happy. I understand that there are people who dislike being single. They fear that something is wrong with them because they can’t seem to find a partner to complete them. And I’m here to tell you that’s terrible thinking.  

Won’t you be mine? 

Let me dazzle you with my tales of being confronted about being single. First, it almost always starts the same way. I’m smart, pretty, funny, sarcastic, whatever attribute comes to mind first. Then it’s “I have a friend who would be perfect for you. They’re this age, a little “something”, a little this, a lot of that. Let me pull up their profile so you can see them! Then you’ll know how perfect you are for each other!” 

And there I am, feeling trapped because I like or respect this person who happened to run into me in a public place with their partner. (Those are keywords there, my lovelies!) 

They’ve never once tried to fix me up prior to this and I’ve seen them many times sans partner. I’m a natural flirt. I’m going to be funny or sarcastic. I’m going to laugh or groan at your jokes. If I like you as a person, I’m going to be more myself around you. I’ve been called a tease so often I could trademark the word. (Don’t worry, I am not stupid enough to actually trademark a word.) 

Tease: tēz; verb 

Normal Definition: 

1.make fun of or attempt to provoke (a person or animal) in a playful way.  

Urban Dictionary Definition: 

A girl who knows she’s wanted… but just wants to play with the guy’s head. 😉 

Damn straight she’s a tease… & good at it too. 

The other occurrence is one that is constantly ongoing. Someone just can’t believe that someone as wonderful and independent as myself is still unmarried. Why can’t I find some nice guy to take care of me? (Insert record screech here!)

Yes, you read that right. I’m an independent woman that apparently needs someone to take care of her… just allowing my mind to wander about that phrase leads me down a rabbit hole. I haven’t been taken out by an assassin, yet, so hopefully the meaning behind it isn’t full of dark portent. Or they took the lowest bid and the assassin accidentally took themselves out. Or a different person with my name. Or are in jail because they’re not so smart and got caught. Or maybe I flirted with them and they decided there’s no reason I should die. 

So, if I’m not being wooed into a white dress via a diamond ring, what’s wrong with me? 

Absolutely nothing. It took me many, many years and some not so great relationships to come to this conclusion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single (and that means there’s nothing wrong with you being single either if you are). And deciding to rephrase it altogether brings it one step further. 

I’m not single because I’m dating myself.  

How am I dating myself? I take myself out for dinner and drinks. If you follow me on twitter you already know this from my “I’m drinking, ask me anything.” tweets. I’ll pick up dinner (or make myself a nice dinner) and rent a movie via my xbox. I buy myself flowers and candy. (Technically, I buy candy for work, but I do occasionally keep some at home for myself.) I do nice things for myself. When I get my hair done? It’s for me. I am my own hot date! And yes, you better believe that I can sex myself up just fine, thank you. I am a smut-slinger with several smut-slinging sisters (and sirs, too!), and plenty of naughty talking guys and gals that get me all revved the right way. 

Have I tried dating? Eh… sort of. I did have a stint on a dating app. Most people thought I was looking for friends with benefits. Once I got tired of getting those messages (hey, there’s nothing wrong with FWB, by the way, I’ve had some lovely FWB partners. I really miss bubble baths. He was so sweet.) I put on my profile not once, not twice, but THREE times that I was not looking for friends with benefits, that I was not looking for a fuck buddy. But you know how these apps work… they look at your photo and message you because they think you’re hot and (with me) in their age range. Still received many ‘wanna fuck?’ messages. I would reply and chat with these people… and then ask them if they read my profile and when they replied “Sure!” I would then state then you’d know I’m not interested in fuck buddies. And then I’d end up having to shoo them. BLOCK

If you don’t read, we can’t be friends. 

I do talk to people when I’m out. I crack jokes with my favorite bartenders and other customers. We talk about life and kids and more. It never leads to anything and I’m okay with that because I’m confident in myself. I know who I am and I know what I want in life. I want to do my job until I no longer have to have a day job. I want to write and relax and take care of my own personal needs (and the needs of my feline overlord so that he does not smother me in my sleep).

Every single one of my long-term relationships turned into me being a second mom. I did their laundry, I cooked them dinner, I cleaned up after them. This is after working 8hrs a day and also trying to take care of my child’s needs. It got old and I started saving my pennies to get out. Yes, there were plenty of times I spoke up only to be shut down. You know those volcanoes that are sleeping for hundreds of years and then they blow up and kill a ton of people and everyone was like oh wow, it was such a nice quiet volcano… Yeah, that’s me. I blow the fuck up. Lots of mayhem, still haven’t crossed the line into murder. 

I also seem to have this 5-year limit before I get tired of sharing oxygen with the same person – although that might have to do with the fact that my needs are rarely ever met. 

I’m far from perfect and I have issues! This is okay, too. It doesn’t stop me from trying to be the best version of myself.  

I know people aren’t psychics. I am not psychic despite the fact that I will say or do something and I’ll be told “You must have read my mind!” No, it just means some part of my brain paid attention and spit out information to make it appear that I read your mind. Brains are funny things. Mine is not perfect by any means. I have lost more information in the black hole in my head than it will ever spit out. You can tell me all your secrets because… well I’ll probably forget them until you bring it up again at a later date when I go “huh?”. But every now and then I get things right for others. I’m human and I’m a work in progress. My favorite color will always be the darkest possible purple, but other things tend to change about me. And things will change about you as well.

So, here’s my advice to those who feel incomplete without a partner. 

It’s okay. Sometimes not having someone the to pick up the pieces or to lend a helping hand (especially when moving heavy furniture) makes life difficult. Learning to sleep alone can be a pain in the ass but that pillow you snuggle up with doesn’t have bones or muscles or nerves, meaning you can elbow that fucker all you want. Treat yourself how you would treat a partner. Do nice things for yourself. Say nice things to yourself. Take yourself out for a treat now and then (even if you just get the 50 cent ice cream cone at DQ). What would you want a partner to notice about you? What would you want a partner to do for you? Say and Do those things for yourself. You’ll become a better person all around with more confidence because you Love Yourself First and when you become a whole complete person by exploring your own interests, you’ll attract potential mates who will take time to get to know the real you, or you’ll continue being a strong single person who is more than capable of finding ways to continue living it up the way you choose.