Adventures in Writing: Clearing My Mind
Leaving the house yesterday to go shopping and more was a huge boost I needed. Today I’m struggling, but decided not going to the park on such a gorgeous day would be stupid. So here I am, at the park.
Last Wednesday I decided to do some digital cleaning and backing up. I backed up my site and the Sisters in Smut website. Then I thought, my OneDrive is getting crazy full. Lots of dead stories in there. Lots of unfinished posts that are no longer relevant, too. So, after making sure my local copy of it was up to date, I copied it to my expansion drive. Then I proceeded to delete my Writing folder altogether.
I know, you’re unable to breathe right now. It’s okay, though. Everything is backed up and I can access it at any time. In fact, I did just that the next morning. I moved Rough Riders and Tease back onto my OneDrive in the Stories folder so that I could continue to look at them and touch them and perhaps build upon them.
My goal was to clear my mind of clutter and cleaning out my OneDrive helped immensely. I had too many things started and left undone. There are still a lot of things rumbling around in my head. Chatting with F. Leonora earlier today helped, too. She reminded me that it’s okay to take a break, that we need them to recharge. I totally agree with that. My issue is that I feel I have been lazy.
Walking to the park today I opened up Stitcher to see what new podcasts awaited my attention. I found one called “The Life Coach School with Brooke Castillo” on the front page. The current episode was called Self-Sabotage and I felt that it was yelling at me to listen, so I did. I mean, it’s got a bright red background, how could I ignore it?
She talked about her own issues in the past with self-sabotage and how you create unnecessary problems to get in the way of your goals. I think one of the things I have issues with is actually setting goals. I admire listening to Kayla Lords and the goals that she sets for herself. That woman has some serious hustle. I wish I had a smidge of her energy to keep moving forward, to keep doing better.
People tell me all the time that my writing is hot and enjoyable and that I’m doing well. However, they don’t see me when I come home after work and then sit on my ass and do nothing until I go to bed. (Nothing being binge-watching the old X-Files on Hulu and then the new X-Files and now I’m caught up as of today, so here I am at the park keeping myself away from the television and the siren song of, well the show The Siren…)
Yesterday, I was wide awake at 7am. I jumped out of bed. While my water heated for coffee, I loaded the dishwasher. While my coffee dripped, I wiped down the counters and stove. I scrubbed the sinks, swept the floors, and then mopped before I finished drinking my coffee. While the floors were drying, I folded towels. When I get moving, I can definitely hustle. The towels are still sitting on the couch… but they are folded.
Today, I still go out of bed at 7:30, but not with the zippity-do-dah energy I had yesterday. I made coffee. Then I finished the last couple of episodes of X-Files. I made breakfast. I finally started laundry after making cucumber ice water for my time in the park. I waited to put the washer load into the dryer so I could start my second load before leaving for the park. I feel like I’m constantly finding other things to do in order to avoid writing, but only until I get that lightning strike.
Most of the hottest stories I’ve written are from something hitting me with such a jolt that I’m surprised I don’t look like an electrocuted Sim after they get shocked when repairing something and fail. I feel like when I don’t have that jolt, when I’m not typing so fast that the keyboard might melt, that the story doesn’t always mesh with me. I know this isn’t true, though. I know the stories that I have to draw out of myself letter by letter are good, too. However, they don’t make me feel that I nailed it the way the lightning strike stories do.
When I originally started this blog, it was on a subdomain of a different domain and named Write Every Day. I know if I sat down and wrote from the time I got settled at home until it was time to eat dinner (which I’d be cooking while writing because multi-tasking is my life) and then again until I showered and went to bed that I would have billions of words. Thousands of words a day.
And yet, I don’t write from the time I get home until the time I go to bed.
The obvious answer to the problem is that I don’t set goals. I keep saying that I am going to do better and then I turn into SlothMischa and can’t seem to do more than hit the a-button on my controller to play the next episode of whatever I’m binge-watching.
I hoped that when I covered the front desk Thursday and Friday last week, and worked over, that I would get some writing in. I even opened up a word document on my phone to make the attempt. I did get some reading in, but even that was like pulling the teeth of the abominable snowman. Unfortunately for me, some of the people I work with are constantly in need of something. The only time I had downtime was when I didn’t have my own work to do. Every time someone came to the window to buy, the phone would start ringing. It’s insane.
The second things would quiet down (too quiet), I’d open that word document, and BAM, someone would be in need of something. I don’t know how well I’m being watched, but it’s absolutely nuts. I do a lot of image hunting during work, and that takes time, so I tend to tweet or tap a few words in a Word document on my phone. I haven’t gotten into any trouble, no one has said anything, and so I keep doing it as best I can. I can sit there and do absolutely nothing and the phone won’t ring, no one will walk in, and no one will need anything.
Sometimes I feel like Gabriel as the Trickster is messing with me at work.
I set alarms for everything that I need to remember and I think it’s damn time I set one for writing. Even if I just type out a construct for a story or random ideas that pop in my head during the time, I think it’ll help. It will definitely be better than doing nothing except binge-watching shows that aren’t even relevant to my writing genre.
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Mel Robbins (who I’ve gushed about a lot lately) says that procrastination is a habit. I feel like what you’re describing is similar to procrastination if not the actual thing. And she also says that procrastination is a reaction to stress. We’re not procrastinators (or lazy), we’re stressed about something. I know it’s true for me. So if there’s something that you’re stressed about — either at the times you write or about your writing — maybe by acknowledging that, you could push through the not-writing part.
I don’t know how to how tell people to set goals or to hustle. Some is personality, I’m sure, but most is learning new behaviors and patterns. Doing things that make you feel uncomfortable because you want the end goal more than you dislike the discomfort.
When it comes to creating content, though, I’ve found that even when I say the right things about being confident and comfortable, deep down I’m terrified and think I suck (or that someone else will tell me I suck) and that slows me down. I also used to (and still do, but I’m learning to be better about it) have this idea that if I wasn’t making big progress (like writing thousands of words a day), it wasn’t worth the effort because I wasn’t getting anything done — which isn’t true. A few words a day, most days of the week, adds up.
So that makes me wonder if your idea of “writing from the time you get home to the time you go to bed” is too overwhelming for your subconscious and so you put roadblocks in your own way. What you if committed to just 30 minutes or an hour, giving yourself permission to stop and go watch TV or do something else? Just thoughts. Take or leave them as you’d like.
((HUGS))
I love these thoughts and suggestions of yours. I’m going to have to look up Mel Robbins. I don’t plan to push myself to write thousands of words a day because that would just burn me out. I felt like a failure reading some of the posts on eroticauthor reddit because there are people who do write thousands of words a day and have a day job and are putting out a short story or three every week (no idea if they are any good since no one shares author names there). I stopped visiting there a while back… lol
Sometimes I’m in the “why bother?” mindset and I know why I should bother! Not writing is not a good thing for me. I need to put the words down and get them out of my head. When I don’t, I tend to get cranky. I joined a website for writers that does sprints, but of course, the sprints are during working hours. On top of it, I’m very good at procrastinating. I mean, I built the sisters in smut website as a means of avoiding writing. It was an excellent reason, of course, but still.
I will figure it out and I will stop self-sabotaging myself. I’m setting an alarm for 7pm right now to write if I haven’t written for the day.
I think that a lot of what ails many of us (because you’re definitely not alone) is that we’re comparing ourselves to the high producers (who, you’re right, might NOT be creating good content). Who says you’re supposed to write thousands of words a day? Who decided that a specific amount of production is what we’re all supposed to do? I call bullshit.
Going at a slower pace that works for your life, your personality, and your goals will get you there, too. Maybe it doesn’t happen as fast or look like anyone else’s path, but it’s not supposed to, and it doesn’t HAVE to.
Armchair, pop psychology over here, but if you’re hearing about these thousands of words a day people and finding it stressful (even though you KNOW it doesn’t work for you), that might explain your procrastination — assuming Mel is right and that it’s a habit formed from stress. A question I often have to ask myself is what does “perfect” feel like to me? When I set aside other people’s expectations, how would I work and produce content? And it’s always at a slower pace than the rest of the world would tell me to do it.
My hustle, like yours, is intermittent. If I havent got my kids at home I try to listen to Kayla’s podcasts or the audible MasturbationMonday posts while I do things like load the d/washer or put away shopping. I watch Frolicme porn while I am folding / sorting laundry or doing manicures or pedicures, and on holiday I got lots of story ideas which I jotted down in a book – sometimes the beginning or a plot, sometimes just a title to use as a prompt.
I need to schedule an actual writing slot, but for smutty stuffy I need to be at least ‘feeling’ it a little, and that may take a little reading. FYI your writing is super hot, and I cant tell which stories you write like an electrocuted demon and which you sweat to craft into a clever tapestry! Keep going!
Thank you so much! I listen to podcasts or audiobooks when I’m walking or driving. Sometimes while cleaning house. I prefer music while cleaning. Halestorm is a huge smutty influence with their music. I’ve also reconnected with my 80s music and realized why I love writing BDSM and smut in general. My writing alarm is named “Have you written today?” so I can say Yes! Or say No, let me give it a whirl and see what happens.
I work on a reward system but that’s been failing more often than not lately
Give yourself a nudge. You’re doing great. We will get there!!