A Penny for your Thoughts: Identifying with Soulless Sam

It explains a lot going on with me right now, including the difficulty of getting back into writing.

If you’re not a big enough fan (or a fan at all) of Supernatural, I’ll include a video of Sam being Soulless at the end.

In the show Supernatural the soul is considered a powerful thing. It’s been compared to a nuclear reactor. It also holds everything we are. There’s a quote I stumbled upon this morning mid-coffee that made me really think even more about what a soul entails.

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I’m more emotionally invested in watching Team Free Will 2.0 fight the end of everything and analyzing the characters I love to hate on Station 19 than I am in what’s happening in the world outside my window (unless it involves the squirrel brigade).

Seriously, about Station 19, though. Is there one character that hasn’t been emotionally, mentally, or physically abused in some way? And yet so many of them are “it’s all about me” but also very defensive of their (albeit broken) firehouse family. Just when I think someone has earned a miniscule amount of respect in some way they fuck it all up. And THEN someone I actually enjoy watching goes away. And then someone suckers them into coming back. THEN THEY DIE, WTAF?

Apologies for the diversion from being soulless and what I’m doing about writing. This is what happens to me in reality. I go to write and… something diverts me to anything else.

The number of days I’ve taken to write this post…. DAYS. Blaming the Gutenberg editor for this, by the way. Dealing with the way blocks work is infuriating. I haven’t finished any smutty stories since posting Climatic Countdown back in January. My mind is full of fantastic stories and ideas. However, trying to put them into words is a lackluster attempt at best.

Let’s talk about feelings, baby… What feelings?

The other thing about my feelings being stuck behind an impregnable wall… I’ve also had trouble dreaming. My FitBit app tells me I experience REM but I don’t recall any dreams. At all. Very rarely more than a shred. If I were actually soulless ala Supernatural I wouldn’t sleep at all. One character describes it as “going through the motions” of all the things he loved to do in a “fake it ’til you make it” way.

Another character says they have no moral compass so they ask themselves “What would Mr. Rogers do?” when they come upon a moral crossroads in order to choose the proper empathic response. In the clip I’ll share there’s a scene where Sam is watching Dean fight with a vampire. He stands at the end of the alley and watches him infect Dean. It’s like a computer from the 90s trying to compete with a computer built today. It doesn’t have the speed, the power, or the knowledge so it gets stuck in a loop trying to figure out what to do.

I also had someone gift me 12 months of Ko-Fi Gold. And… I feel like I’ve already failed them because I haven’t shared a damn thing. (insert crying emoji here) (I’ve since lost my ko-fi page for asking a question. Go figure.)

For me, I know what I should feel. And sometimes the feeling is there, but not there. I literally care more about what happens to fictional characters right now. And that’s pretty sad. The world is in a sad sad state right now and all I want to do is immerse myself in someone else’s fictional life.

Because, at least then, I feel something other than like a muted muddy fuzzball.

Knowing that I’m not alone feeling “soulless” is both good and sad. It’s nice not being alone in this boat but it’s also sad as to how many people are in it with me. I just hope it isn’t named the Titanic.

“How are you?” is a loaded question these days, so instead I’ll ask this: What are you doing these days to keep sane?

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And now, what you’ve been waiting for this whole time. 8 minutes of Sam Winchester being Soulless.