First, I want you to take a moment and follow Professor Sex on Twitter. October is National Kink Month and she’s doing lots of education tweets about the Kinky Life.
It seems to be inevitable. Each time I mention ‘safeword’ on Twitter, someone has to reply that their safeword is basically something that’s just there. It exists, but it doesn’t really have meaning. I feel that this is unsafe, dangerous, and abuse. If you’re with your partner for years, and not trying anything new, perhaps you know them well enough that you can slow down, or stop, from just watching their body movement and reactions. However, that’s not the case with people who are exploring kink.
You should always have a safeword, and it should always be obeyed.
Hell, when I was researching rope bondage with my friend, we both agreed to have a safeword. There wasn’t anything else involved other than him binding me, but on the chance that I freaked out for some reason, felt uncomfortable, or ended up in some kind of pain – we were prepared. I trust this person with my being. I pretty much tell him everything. I would have skipped the safeword altogether, but we both know that things go sideways.
If you practice gagging and use ball gags or other mouth bondage devices, you still need safe signals.
I will never, ever stop supporting the use of safewords. If the Dom continues the scene after the sub uses their safeword – that is abuse. Yes, there can be “Sorry, did you safeword?” mistakes. But, there are people out there who are malicious and will not obey the guidelines of safe, sane, and consensual.
If you follow me on Twitter, you know I don’t live a kinky lifestyle. I’m single, not seeing anyone, and my cat thinks he’s my boyfriend. I do read a lot about the BDSM Life. I have many friends who live kinky lives. Every time I pick up a book and find out that there’s no discussion between a couple, no safe word chat, no “Oh, hey baby, can I tie you up?” it makes me want to throttle the author. This is unsafe practice. If my friend had taken me into a room, blindfolded me, bound me to a stool, and then stood back to watch me freak out, I’d be pissed. I’d never speak to him again. And yet these authors are putting these stories out into the world where the sub doesn’t know anything about the world of kink. Mainly because their partner decided to just do whatever they wanted instead of talking to them. This teaches people in the real world that it’s okay to do that. It teaches submissives that it’s okay to have that done to you. It’s not okay. It’s abuse.
If you’re new to the kink lifestyle, try following LovingBDSM on Twitter. Tons of advice and a Podcast!
There’s another acronym called R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink). However, once again, I will stress the need for safewords. Know your partner. Know your surroundings. Have a verbal agreement. Get rid of the grey areas in your kinky life. One safeword sometimes isn’t enough. It’s okay to use Green/Yellow/Red as your safewords, but you need to discuss what they mean.
I’m also a huge supporter of the Emphatic Yes. “Do you like that?” Yes. “Would you like me to do that more?” YES. “Do you want me to do it harder/faster/deeper?” Yes Yes Yes! You can’t deny the good feeling when someone is very clearly saying “Oh yes, more of that, please yes, give me more, I want that again, yes yes yes!”