A Penny for your Thoughts: Emotionally Trapped

There is so much hate and pain in this world. I’m waiting for the haunted painting and the slime to start rising from below the streets like in Ghostbusters II.

Just a Quick Warning: Not writing related, not a hot story, just me letting it out about all the violence in the world.

First, no one should ever feel the fear of ‘Will I be killed today?’ at any point in their life. Obviously, police officers, security professionals, and military are always wondering if they’ll be shot today (or worse), but think about it, if we could have armed military and security forces that never have to think that, the world would be a much better place.

Yes, I do feel we will always need people who work in some form of security. Even if the world becomes utopia – there will always be people that need to be trained. It would be great if we never needed it, but … humans are flawed.

Second, the pain and grief that I feel for people who just want to go out into the world and live their life, have a fun night, or get an education, that find themselves in these horrific situations is immense. It makes me wonder why we don’t bring back public executions and so forth. I know, grisly, nasty, violent (just another way to spread what we’re trying to stop). Just because these people have been labeled ‘mentally ill’ does not make them so. I know people who have mental illness and they claim it. They do whatever they can to manage their life. Usually, those who can’t take it, take their own lives, without going out and shooting or stabbing or running people over with a vehicle. (Yes, I’ve personally known people to take their own lives. It’s just as emotionally draining and shocking, but my main point is that they didn’t take a bunch of people with them first.)

I feel trapped.

Every time I turn on the tv, there is something else about the latest massacre in Las Vegas. You have no idea how blessed I feel that my friend, who I may not chat with often, is here in Ohio instead of still living in Las Vegas. It’s not just there, though. Local events, less than an hour drive from where I am, hell right by where my daughter went to college a few short months ago, have shooting (and other violent) atrocities. I know of people who have told me they’ve called the cops because of someone they didn’t know being on their porch and the cops were like “What do you want us to do about it?” Uhm, fucking drive by maybe? Find out what the fuck someone I DON’T KNOW is doing on my property? (Especially when living in a sketchy area known for drug use, drug overdose, and violence.)

We never know if something like this is going to happen. We’re encouraged to go on with our lives when they do. Those of us who don’t have people who were harmed or killed during these events have no idea of what those who do are going through – unless you’ve been through it previously. The simple fact that we continue to experience these atrocities has me baffled.

Upon arriving home, I close my garage door. When I get out of my vehicle, I lock it. When I get inside the house, I lock the door behind me. I do open my curtains and I don’t have blinds in the living room windows, because I enjoy having sunshine fill the living room or kitchen. I live in a fairly safe area where the cops patrol and we have a neighborhood watch. The windows are all locked. The only time they are unlocked and open is when I am home all day. I even open the front door on the really nice days – which are almost gone. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a few moments of anxiety when I see the same vehicle drive down my road several times. They’re usually lost and it’s a given due to how the roads are around here. It doesn’t mean I don’t panic a little when I see someone I don’t know walking to my door. One day I’ll finally give in and get a no solicitation sticker.

Perhaps we need to go back to the simple rule of life: Do unto others as you would have done unto you doesn’t work here for one reason – because if given the chance, they are doing it to themselves. They are shooting themselves – or able to commit suicide by cop. No trial, no jail, no execution. Perhaps we need to go to the more ethical version of “An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will”

Yes, that’s the (end of the) Wiccan Rede. Now, I don’t identify as religious, but if I did, I’d be more Wiccan or Taoist or Buddhist than anything else. Just because someone BELIEVES differently than you do, LIVES differently than you do, CHOOSES differently than you do, does not give you the right to commit violence upon them.


By the way, I tend to have a very violent mind. Yes, I do want to hurt people. Some days I have to remind myself I look horrible in orange. But what makes me different is that I don’t follow-through. I play video games when I’m feeling particularly vicious so that I can work out the aggression. I write until I can’t move my fingers any longer – usually stuff that’s worthless because it’s just me cleaning out my violent urges. No one taught me to do these things, I had to learn them on my own. Playing violent video games doesn’t make me want to go out and hurt people – it helps release the tension and stress that I feel.

The only one you have the right to commit violence upon, is yourself. I’m tired of turning on the tv and seeing another mass shooting, another terrorist bombing, another act of violence so that another evil person or group can get their name(s) spread across the globe in nanoseconds.

It makes you wonder why we don’t have a tv channel that just shows kittens. Oh wait, it’s not on tv, but we do have that on the internet. Or puppies. Or meerkats. It just feels that with more and more focus on these violent events – because we have to warn the people – is never ending. What on earth do we have to do in order to find and feel peace not only within ourselves but around us as well? What are we missing that we can’t find equality? Where is our compassion for one another? How will we ever get there if we can’t see past greed and jealousy and hate?

If you are feeling out of sorts – even if you think you’re fine – make a phone call to someone who can listen. If you don’t feel you have someone that will truly be of help, then call a hotline.

Always Keep Fighting. Love Yourself First. Click To Tweet

Remember that taking time for yourself is not taking time away from others. It’s simply a way for you to recharge yourself in order to continue being part of your family, workplace, and community. Saying “NO” is not a bad thing and should never require an explanation. Practice saying it in the mirror. “Sorry, but I’m unable to commit.” (Let me check my schedule and get back to you means they just might nag you until you cry and give in.) “Apologies, but I have a prior commitment.” (No, they do not need specifics. Even if your commitment is to a bubble bath, glass of wine, and an audio book – it is still a commitment.)


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  1. While I agree there is so much violence in the world today I think the good is out there as well just not as visible as I’m sorry to say that doesn’t get good ratings. I often wonder if the media wouldn’t overstep with reporting if some and not all but at least some of these acts would taper off as I have thought maybe some are attention seekers.

    It does make people afraid, my sister won’t go to malls anymore as she is scared something will happen. Even I wonder at times when going to the movies, is it safe.

    I think that through this we have to remember to live, by locking yourself away they have stolen your power. Yes you have to do what you must to keep yourself and your loved ones safe, always. At the same time you can’t let them win, you can’t let them shred away ones decency, ones ability to care, and most of all don’t let them steal away hope.

    Sadly again we mainly see the good when there is a disaster like a earthquake or a hurricane. People reaching out to one another and yes, why can’t it be that way everyday; People being kind and helping each other. We’re all on this ride together.

    There is a big difference between self care and being selfish, we all need a bit of self care now and again, one has to the batteries have to be recharged in some way.

    1. I still go places, and I make sure to be aware of my surroundings. When I’m getting gas, I use my windows to keep a watch on things going on behind me. I never just stare at my phone anymore. I’m always aware of who is around me. I’m also learning to tune back into my intuition on a stronger, deeper level. It’s always warned me in the past and I’ve purposefully (stupidly) ignored it. I won’t do that any longer. If something feels sketchy, then I need to figure out why and make a decision from there.

      I hope that your sister will feel safe again. In all honesty, if I didn’t have to go to work, I’d probably be a hermit, simply because I enjoy being at home (even with the overcuddly kitty) and listening to people in general can be a downer.

      On another note, though… there is a bar I used to go to that seems to have someone stabbed or shot on a regular basis these days – in the parking lot, of course – that I haven’t been to in years. The crowd changed, not a bad crowd (younger generation) and it wasn’t really fun anymore.

  2. You are incredible. I want a masterbation channel. Just saying. Love your work. Love you! Yay!

    1. Oh honey, you have that. It’s called the internet! lol

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